By popular requests, ten beauty trends I’m not a fan of
No, I’m not saying you ‘can’t’ do these!
Before screaming at me that people should be able to do whatever they want: yes, I agree! These are my personal opinions on trends that I would personally not ever consider for myself. I am simply not going to engage with you if you didn’t manage to read the first sentence of this article.
Loads of women wrote to me asking for this, before you accuse me of unsolicited criticism: so all said with my love.
1. Eyelash extensions
I’ll start with my least favourite: it doesn’t look good in my opinion, dear ladies, unless you’ve paid like £900 to have extremely natural ones done. You look like you’ve been smoking weed because your eyes are so red, it hurts like hell, and when they start falling out you look very odd. I love you, but you look like abandoned furbies.
2. Lip filler (over 1ml)
I’ve had 0.5ml done and that’s me done, for life. No, it doesn’t dissolve in a few months and no, it doesn’t dissolve evenly. I know we are told we look sexier but it probably won’t suit you: if you’re very white and reading this, please question whether a full pout is going to look natural on you. It makes you look a lot older than you are and the swollen look really isn’t it. Annoy a wasp nest for a cheaper hack. It’s so, so expensive and you get blind to how big your lips really are.
3. Acid peels and exfoliates
This is so, so, so bad for your skin! All the ladies I know who look ten years older than me and are under 25 religiously use retinols and exfoliators. You’re damaging and thinning your skin and there is absolutely no need. Stick to good hygiene and cleanser and stop scrubbing and irritating your skin. Unless your dermatologist says you need strong acids, stop! I use an oil based cleanser and some moisturiser. That’s it. I wouldn’t touch an exfoliator with a barge pole. No wonder you struggle with redness!
4. Ridiculous skincare regimes
Why are you using 9 products a day, darling? Any good skincare expert will tell you the more you use, the more likely you are to have a break out or dry or oily skin. Over moisturising worsens blackheads and pores, and over cleansing will damage your skin’s bacteria and strength. You get microtears from scrubbing at it and rubbing it with acids, pumice, charcoal, micro beads and god knows what else. Stop falling for instagram ads. I have a breakout whenever I try a skincare product. Cleanser and a plain moisturiser, you’re welcome.
5. Fake tan
Girl I love you, but I’ll be blunt. Pasty white people who just look very silly trying to dye our skin. It always looks orange, always looks uneven, and you have definitely missed the back of your left arm or the top of your neck. I’ve never seen anyone with fake tan who didn’t look much better without it. I know: I wish I was a glowing olive beauty too. But we’re not. Avoid Oompa Loompa aesthetics.
6. Feather brows
You look like you trod on a live wire, beloved. Fill them in with a pencil or get some subtle micro blading. Your eyebrow hairs shouldn’t stand up over your ears.
7. Baking/primer/setting spray
Doesn’t ever work, we just look like we’ve face-palmed a bakery table. We look powdery and very odd. It makes your pores worse and makes you break out. Always thought this was a rouse to sell more products. I skip this aisle entirely!
8. Clean girl aesthetic
You look gorgeous: if you’re a natural beauty. For the rest of us potato creatures, it probably isn’t the best look. I need a bit of a contour and a slightly brighter lip. It’s a flex if you look incredible with Vaseline and CC cream, but that’s about it. Over it.
9. Just lipliner
Looks like you’ve done your lipstick, eaten a cornetto, and forgotten to reapply it. Love you but yeah no.
10. Crazy blush
Now I love blush. But why is it on your nose, forehead, jaw, and eyelids? You don’t look blushing and youthful, you look like you’ve got a bad allergy. Skip.
