Why you think women like dreadful men

Wait, why do so many of us date monsters?

So, I made a joke reel yesterday poking fun at how my friends often seem to be totally hung up on horrible men who are unbelievably unworthy of them. Cheaters. Users. Wifebeaters. Sociopaths. I guarantee, if you’re a woman or friends with a woman, you have a story about The Horrible Ex They Can’t Get Over. And if I’m super honest: I’ve been one of those women myself. And that got me thinking.

Do women really chase cruel, cold, unkind men?

I’d say it’s actually a lot more complicated than that.

Dopamine Hooks: The Breadcrumb Problem

There’s a cycle in anthropological psychology we refer to as the dopamine hook. There’s loads of different dopamine hooks: trying to eat one oreo when you have five, resisting the urge to zone out in a boring meeting, and not texting your evil ex who is really good in bed. But in general, it comes down to something that feels good in the short term but is ultimately very bad for you. It usually goes like this:

1. Thing is initially very pleasurable (sex, love-bombing, taking cocaine, etc)

2. Thing is withdrawn/increases in scarcity (no more heroin, nice morning texts, flowers, or oreos)

3. Thing becomes more desirable because you miss the dopamine hit of how it used to feel (you get more excited by getting that text, or being offered an oreo)

4. Thing is now an unhealthy fixation because you crave the breadcrumbing/ not confronting the withdrawal (no more oreos ever, having to give up meth, no more amazing sex with Evil Dave, being single)

The problem is, now you’re hooked on something that doesn’t satisfy you, isn’t good for you, and hurts you in the long run. You know that he’s mean, selfish, cruel, and cold: but you desperately want him to want you again because it felt so good to be wanted like that. You long for the days when you felt safe, loved, and happy. You desperately want to know it isn’t your fault that he doesn’t tell you that you’re beautiful anymore, bother to ask how you are, or just set up a date. So it slowly becomes ok for him to be horrible to you, only text you when he wants sex, or to try to fuck your friends. It doesn’t matter that he ignores you or calls you needy and pathetic. Because you are desperate for any interaction that might leave you feeling some of that initial dopamine in him showing you any attention. Because him not being in your life feels like a painful rejection of you, however much you no longer like how he behaves. You’re not stupid: you’re an addict.

I should say, men are as susceptible to this as women: it might not be as widely discussed socially, but everyone can fall into addictive thinking and behaviours. You will definitely find men who can’t leave an abusive relationship or struggle to understand that a woman they love is using or manipulating them.

The problem is when the dopamine hook is merged with something women are way more susceptible to;

People Pleasing: Stand By Your Man?

As girls, you are taught constantly, from the time you can waddle and bark ‘thank you’ at adults, to try and make people happy. Be nice to your dollies. Play nicely. How is that person feeling? Why are they crying? Why are they sad? Why are they unhappy? Be polite, be caring. Play nurses, mummies, vets, teachers. Be caring. Share. Make friends with everyone. Be nice to everyone. Be nice. Be nice! Be nice. Be nice. Be nice.

It’s engrained into our tiny pink bunched-hair big-eyed bodies. We’re rewarded for thinking about other people before ourselves, constantly. We’re punished for being ‘immodest’ ‘bossy’ and ‘selfish’: even if that’s just being proud, determined, strong minded and unyielding. We’re told to care about others more than we care about ourselves: it’s bad to show off our successes, to be competitive, to want to achieve on our own. Bad in a way it isn’t for boys: winning is a very loaded thing in womanhood. Being successful is directly linked to deep social stigma of being selfish, hard, unfeminine and having failed your imaginary children, husband, and social circle who need you to be nurturing, caring. As such, living life in first person (I, me, myself) can feel like you’re a bad person. In a way it just doesn’t for men. It’s the feminine condition.

So as adults, we often people please. Fawn. Obsess over being liked, being kind, being caring, and worst of all, fixing people. The idea that you’re supposed to put up with men being unempathetic, callous, or ‘broken’ in some way is deeply enmeshed into our sense of selves: if he cheated, was it because you failed to be attractive or interesting enough? If he was cruel to you, how did you provoke him or fail to teach him why what he did was cruel? If he failed to meet your needs and boundaries, how did you fail to communicate them? I’ve been here myself: making mad excuses I’d probably only make for a female four year old on why he wouldn’t know it was mean to cancel seeing me on my birthday, tell me he didn’t want to talk to me and that my personality and interests were vapid, or try to fuck my best friend.

By infantilising men and making ourselves their carers, their misbehaviour becomes our fault. Our problem to fix. Our failure. We should have healed his trauma and made him less jealous. We should have been sexier, thinner, more interesting to hold his attention. We should have been more patient when he was shouting and throwing a tantrum. We should have been more forgiving and gentle when he got upset that you asked him to be more loving towards you.

But ladies, please: please don’t gentle parent your grown ass man.

Men know exactly what they’re doing because they, like you, have brains. They, like you, are adults. They know that this face :( means a lady is sad and this face :’( means a lady is very sad. They know it was mean to say your cooking was trash or that they don’t care about your feelings. They know it’s horrible to use you for sex and neglect you. They know why you don’t like them sleeping with your best friend. They are not, whatever society has taught you, emotionally stunted toddlers.

A good man, as in, a mentally healthy adult man, will never want to hit you, never want to abuse you, never want to betray your trust and never want to make you feel like you don’t matter. And if he does (who doesn’t slip up a little bit), he will immediately try and change his behaviour and improve his behaviour towards you. Because, like you, he has autonomy and moral awareness. He has empathy. He has concern about the people he loves.

A man who treats you badly is not a problem to fix.

A man who doesn’t treat you the way he used to is not a problem to fix.

A man who is okay hurting you is not a problem to fix.

They failed, not you.

Leave them. Now.