Dear Madelaine: How do I stop my wife flirting with other men?

All letters are anonymous.

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Dear Madelaine,

I’m married to a woman who frankly turned out to be a slut. She is immodest, a flirt and dishonours me repeatedly by flirting with bus drivers and delivery men. I’ve tried to discipline her but she doesn’t seem to listen. What can I do?

Andrew Nonymous

Dear Andrew,

Beheading her usually does the trick. Most husbands who behead their wives for immodesty or fornication find that she never did so again. If this conservative, traditional discipline is too much for you (maybe you are a progressive man), you can always accuse her of witchcraft.

Next time she winks at the bus driver, be sure to produce a small green frog from your pocket and shout “BECKY, WHAT HAST THOU DONE TO MY MOTHER?” and point dramatically at your harlot wife. Proceed to then tell the bus that she regularly enchants the pet cat to do the washing up, and file a petition for her immediate trial as a servant of the Devil. Go to her in prison, then say that if she doesn’t flirt with the bus driver again, you’ll tell the jury that you forgot that your mother was on holiday and she is not, in fact a frog.

If that fails, you can always get the local mob to turn up with pitchforks demanding she is an obedient wife and not a famous strumpet.

Hope that helps.

Madelaine

(Grow the fuck up and stop being a misogynist little twerp).

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