Falling in love again, never wanted to, what am I to do, argh

Why is love so physically and mentally exhausting?

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The most confusing of all the emotions

When I was fourteen, I was absolutely definitely completely and utterly profoundly, deeply, head of heels in love. I was so sure of it, I claimed, that I could not even contemplate kissing someone else. This was, I said to my smirking mother, real love.

This boy would look at me and I would skip around for the whole weekend singing to myself. Once he sent me a text (remember them?) saying ‘kay x’ and I knew right then that he loved me back. It was a profound love, a love of ages. That kiss had sealed our fate and we would be together forever.

Of course, as a wise old spinster at 21, I fully recognise that I was merely a skirt to get his hands up, but back then I was Juliet, willing to throw myself in front of a netball for my beloved. He would get into my blouse in the public gardens and once got me a very nice bunch of flowers (well, his mother did) so all in all, a pretty standard Year 9 affair. But hardly the great romance in my head.

How I howled with grief when he broke up with me two weeks after our relationship started! The grief of King Lear or Othello could not rival the scars in my heart. It was bizarre, intense, physical pain, endless tears. As you’ve probably guessed, I was a rather melodramatic child. I was comforted by my mother, listened to a lot of depressing music and a few months later I was back to my normal self, flirting with a new kid who liked physics.

I’ve often wondered if that was ‘true’ love, however short lived, because I haven’t felt the same gut wrenching agony and intense sadness or euphoria ever since. That’s probably a good thing, since lying on your bedroom floor listening to ‘To Know Him Is To Love Him’ with tears streaming down your face is a bit rubbish, to be honest. I’ve loved deeply, and very faithfully, since then, but I’ve never had the I-would-jump-in-front-of-a-netball sort of feeling. Is that just an intense teenage love? Can I never feel that again?

I still feel some physical affects of love. I get very bouncy when I recieve a text from someone I’m dating, I feel my heart racing when they hold me etc but I’ve never felt like I was going to be sick with emotion.

Then again, I’m not a kid anymore.

Written by

24 year old with an awful lot to say about everything. Opinions entirely my own. Usually. madelaine@madelainehanson.co.uk

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