Is western pornography to blame for ‘bobs and vegane’ requests?

I’m tired of being inboxed like a free sex worker

“Hey baby, I love you here’s my Whatsapp…I have something you’ll love to see-”

I close my eyes in horror and humiliation. This isn’t the first creepy message I’ve got this hour. This day. This week. This month. This year. This decade. It’s exhausting and draining. I really don’t think I ever want to see another picture of a phallus again.

Sexual liberation, or free sex work?

But they’ll keep on coming. Whenever I make a joke about sexuality, slut shaming or objectification, in come the swarm of half-baked requests for nude photographs, sexting and free sex acts. Threesomes. BDSM. Sodomy.

I’m stunned by how many men think that I’ll happily submit to them and their fantasies because I’ve simply posted a picture where I’m in a swimming costume, or wearing a tight fitting dress. Occasionally, they are very incessant, stalkerish and misogynist (more misogynist? Is that possible?).

I’ve got 12, 15 messages from the same guy all demanding I speak to him. Sometimes they’ll video call me. I never answer. I’m not your ‘free whore’, gentlemen. I’m not sure what porn you have been watching, but in the west, we don’t have this fantasy culture where women are overjoyed to please any random man sexually.

It just doesn’t exist. I’m sure you don’t mean to be cruel. But you are creating a deep resentment in my circles towards this particular cultural misunderstanding. I don’t blame you for this: I’m sure western men have done the same thing on numerous occasions. Why? Pornography. It’s a fantasy that, when men are not exposed to women, is seen as a reality.

Okay, yes, we can choose to have multiple sexual partners in the West. But you are missing an important part of that freedom: we can choose. We can say no. We can dismiss men. We can be totally disinterested in casual sex. It is not, as porn suggests, all about rampantly satisfying men in bed. Sex is a lot more about communication, bonding and mutual pleasure. Very few western women would ever send nudes to a man that she wasn’t close to, or at least sexually interested in. Far, far fewer would have sex with a strange man who had sent her one message on Facebook. Many don’t even watch porn or particularly have an interest in erotic sex. Western women really aren’t the sexual deviants portrayed in porn. In fact, most western women have 5–7 sexual partners over their whole lives. You aren’t going to be one of them.

It is culturally considered rude, humiliating and disturbing to send a woman your genitalia or pornographic videos without her consent. It is also extremely traumatic for women to recieve requests for extreme sex acts, bullying demands for intercourse and threats to sexually harm her. She isn’t turned on when you call her a dirty bitch, she’s frightened. Porn is a fantasy created (largely) for men; women are made to perform in a way that makes men aroused- you included. It isn’t how women behave. It definitely isn’t an accurate portrayal how women enjoy being spoken to or having sex. If you stuck your hand up a strange woman’s skirt like you’ve seen in porn, you could face a jail sentence. You are watching a fantastically inaccurate portrayal of western sexuality and culture.

Please, please stop viewing us as free sex workers, a random escort to eroticise and masturbate over. We are politicians, teachers, writers, students, columnists, wives, vicars, nurses, artists: we are human beings. We don’t exist to arouse you. A lot of this is misinformation can be blamed on pornography: but once you’ve got to this point of reading, please reconsider how you see women in western countries.

A little cultural sensitivity goes a long way.

Written by

24 year old with an awful lot to say about everything. Opinions entirely my own. Usually. madelaine@madelainehanson.co.uk

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