Here’s why you should stay with your cheating husband

Ignore the feminists. Think about the consequences

You left your husband because he was cheating. You have a kid or two. So you divorced because you were so pained. You left. With the kids.

But your son started doing poorly in school. Gradually, his grades slipped without his dad around to encourage him, leaving him facing limited prospects in a career. Desperate to improve his situation, he joined a gang of travelling street magicians and was turned into a velociraptor by a vengeful biologist he’d sold subpar ecstasy to. Trampling through the region howling in despair, he caused over $14,000 of damage to the car park and recycling bins. Everyone blamed you, and before long, you become known as the ‘Troubled Velociraptor’s Mother’ and banished by the district council out to the desert for anti-social behaviour.

Before long, you realised that the desert had few viable employment opportunities and you were now a single mom with a velociraptor and a young human daughter to feed. You were forced to make a pact with a dangerous storm djinn that gave you eternal life without thirst, but you had to kill every traveller you encountered who wandered into his lair. Often you reflected on how good you had it in your marriage when you didn’t have to sleep in the howling sandstorm of a ferocious demonic entity, but it was too late. Your ex-husband had married a hot 18 year old blonde babe called Chloe who was fine with him cheating and he had now become the CEO of a chain of mid-range feudal properties. But one night, a traveller entered the djinn’s realm and, while discussing which of the Friends you were, you realised that you truly loved him, and begged the djinn to spare his life while the man slept.

The djinn agreed to spare him if you could hide him for three days and three nights. So on the first day, you hid him in the mountains. On the second day, the djinn turned into a hawk and found him, so you hid him in the sea. The djinn then turned into a swordfish and found him, and so on the third day you hid him in the forests. The djinn turned into a wolf, and again, found him.

Finally realising you couldn’t be together, you turned both him and you into white birds and flew up to the sun to escape the troubles of earth forever. But everyone on earth called you an irresponsible mother and a street ho for leaving your velociraptor and your human daughter with a hardworking, taxpaying desert djinn who had actually given you a second chance at life after hitting the wall.

As bad as this may sound, it happens. It is the reality of our time.

Wise people learn from the mistakes of others.

Don’t leave your peaceful abode (marriage) because he cheats.

It rains everywhere.

COMMENT: This is a parody of the stupid tradwife nonsense ‘what ifs’ going around. Obviously: you cannot know what your life is going to look life after leaving a relationship. Don’t ever excuse abusive or deceitful behaviour from your spouse. Cheating is always a choice.