How to actually get a girlfriend (according to science)
DISCLAIMER: This is a slightly tongue-in cheek piece and I do not in any way advise you to follow this advice. All this information is taken from various human behavioural studies and simply outlines what women tend to select for in mating partners. Most of this sex selection is subscious so please don’t just assume women are misandrist dollar obsessed baby machines.
The Bateman principle (Bateman, 1948) outlines that the potential reproductive success of the female zygote is much smaller than that of a male sperm; there are less in number and thus women have to be selective in who they mate with due to having to invest more calories, time and somatic effort into an offspring. Sperm, due to their number and taxonomy, are less ‘expensive’ than zygotes. Because of this, women tend to be more choosy in picking a mate, and pick mates according to potential success of offspring in relation to genes or resources.
(Sorry if this is too scientific, it will be in human speak from this point onwards.)
This basically means women choose between a trade off of the following traits:
a) Attractiveness of a male
b) Resources of a male (dolla dolla dolla).
So essentially, you should try to maximise one or both of these traits in order to attract the laydeez. Now, you may be saying to me, somewhat desperately, “I DON’T WANT A BABY EW NO.” and I hear that.
However sex selection and genes really don’t give a toss about that. This is mostly subconscious. The reason you like sexy time is because we have evolved to enjoy sex and sex-select partners who can have the best gene vehicles. It’s just science. (But use protection and you should be fine.)
Here are some helpful tips to maximise your hetero attractiveness:
1. Be tall.
Obviously this is a bit tricky but if you can make yourself look taller, you will probably be considered more genetically viable as a mating partner (Schumacher, 1982, Jackson 1992). Taller people are percieved to be of a higher status (Barber, 1995) so she will assume you have more dolla, or indeed power, than if you are a teeny tiny person. This could possibly be because taller people tend to be stronger and better hunters, and have fewer heart attacks (Barker et al, 1990). Also taller men get laid more and have more offspring (Pawlowski et al, 2000).
2. Consider growing a beard.
Although I, like every sensible woman, may tell you to shave because the dead badger on your chin is a hygiene hazard, apparently this makes you sexier, despite having no apparent survival value. Scientists have argued that men with fuller beards are associated with being older looking, masculine, dominant, courageous, mature and confident (Barber, 1995). Older looking/Mature= dolla. And dollars are good for the baby’s education at Eton.
3. Go to the gym and get ripped (on your torso)
Yeah obviously higher testosterone means you will die earlier because it’s shit for your body, but ladies love the muscles. Upper torso muscularity on the biceps and chest is more sexually selected in tests (Ross and Ward, 1982). HOWEVER, do not get too ripped. If you are too muscular and big, women see that as maladaptive because a) you look weird af and b) too much testosterone means you might die and not be able to support the bebes.
4. Take risks (within reason).
During teens and twenties, boys are more likely than girls to do incredibly stupid and show off stuff, such as hunting mammoths or driving dangerously on a moped. This is sexually selective according to (Wilson and Daly, 1985, Wilson et al, 1996) as it shows a guy is capable of making potential gains for the lady and the baby. Don’t go too crazy though. Women are way better than men on average at determining negative behaviours in mating partners (Wilson, 1996)
5. Show off your wealth.
Obviously don’t be a prick because if you are massively showing off about your wealth, women will think you are lacking in the gene pool department and desperate (deeply unsexy for a gender that is very intra-sex competitive.) But if you literally look like a walrus, having resources is a good trade off. But don’t tell her you go to New College of Humanities. That’s not sexy.
6. Be in your late thirties.
Men are at their sexually-attractive peak in their late thirties. Male market value peaks then due to resources and still a fair level of phenotypic (aesthetic) attractiveness and strength. (Pawlowski and Dunbar, 1999.) Women like you most at this age.
7. Be funny.
It’s a joke that if you make a woman laugh you can get her into bed. It’s also true. In relationship ads, women most commonly ask for ‘GSOH’ (Buss, 1989). After being rich and good looking, this is a pretty important thing. Humour shows emotional intelligence, empathy, and potential good parenting skills, not to mention good social genes for the bebe. Read that joke book, boi.
8. Be smart, or at least well educated.
Did you go to Cambridge? Yes, you are suddenly sexier. Intelligence is incredibly important for reproductive success, social success and ability to attract a mate through power and resources (Csanaky, 1995). Women sexually select for men of the same or higher education of themselves.
9. Be powerful.
Power is sexy too. No one slept with King Louis the 14th because he was cute. Power often equals resources (dolla) or social power (respect) which means any kids she has with you will have a better chance of marrying good gene vehicles and having more babies (Dunbar, 1997).
10. Consider lowering your standards.
Ok, she might be a brunette and have a slightly ugly nose, but she’s better than nothing as a gene vehicle. Spouses tend to be similar (at least on a trade off between looks and dolla) to each other (Dunbar, 1995). So having some babies with a semi-troll is better than no babies. Ever heard of safety marriages? Yeah. that.