How to know if a girl likes you and what to do about it in 13 easy points

I’m a human woman, and I experience Ze Feelings for men, and I also chat up human women due to my bisexuality. I have unique insider information on both sides. So shut up and let me reveal all.

What why how help

How to work out if she likes you (or not):

  1. If she is talking to you every single day and complimenting you endlessly…It’s a possibility. I mean, she might just like you as a friend but if it’s romantic flattery ‘how attractive you are, how smart you are, how much she misses you’ she’s probably experiencing feelings. If she never makes an effort to talk to you, she doesn’t like you. No seriously, she doesn’t.
  2. If she asks to hang out loads or help her on stuff you know she can easily do on her own, and seems to get annoyed when other people are going to be there too, also possible. However I do this with my boys platonically so watch out for this in combination with 1. If she never wants to hang out, she doesn’t like you. Dead cert.
  3. If she touches you a lot (not creepily, report that). Some girls are just touchy feely but if I touch a guy’s hand or put my arm around him endlessly I’m not just being nice.
  4. If she hugs you more than just ‘goodbye’ ‘hello’ and ‘you look distraught’. Same as 3 but way more telling. Although you should also know we do this to make guys who can see us hugging jealous which leads us on to…
  5. She makes it abundantly clear she’s single or having problems in her relationship. If she’s constantly going on about how unhappy she is with David or how she’s totally ready for a new guy after that trainwreck of a marriage with Harry, it’s possible she’s not just oversharing. Subconsciously, or sometimes massively consciously, this is us saying I’M AVAILABLE YOU FUCKWIT. We won’t admit it most of the time though because um, you are supposed to do the chasing and that makes us feel undesirable. Also if we tell you we have a boyfriend and say we are happy, just back off. It’s a subtle ‘don’t like me’ line.
  6. She suddenly likes your interests and gets involved in stuff you like. Let’s face it, Brenda definitely didn’t do ice hockey before she met you. And to be honest I’ve never met a girl who wanted to watch you play FIFA who wasn’t trying to get you out of your boxers. Sometimes you genuinely are a fascinating person with cool interests but this is definitely one to watch.

Now…what to do about it? I’ve split this into three groups:

a) I love her so much oh god she fills me with the desire of gods and the lust of Titans

b) Yeah I guess I’d be up for a trial run or at least a quick one in Ibiza

c) Ew no how do I get rid of her why is this troll following me

Pick a team, boys. Don’t feel guilty, we all feel love, lust and no way.

As:

Option 1: She likes you and you like her? Ask her out. Seriously, don’t play hard to get, we hate that as much as you do. You just come across as a wanker. Also if she’s up for it she’s probably been dying for you to ask her for months.

Option 2: You like her but she probably doesn’t like you? That sucks man but believe me when I say don’t waste your life on it. If you hang around staring at her like a folorn sheep you will piss her off, if you wait around forever you might not meet The One. Stay mates (unless you literally cry when she is tagged in a photo with Six-Pack Jake) But don’t expect her to come round. It’s an unpopular truth but most of the guys we are just mates with are in that box because we don’t fancy them and won’t.

Bs:

Option 1: She likes you and you sort of like her? Oh boy, are you playing with fire. Tread carefully. If she is in love with you, don’t be a jerk by getting in her knickers and ditching her by text a week later. But maybe she is up for something casual. FFS don’t ask her that, but make sure her feelings for you aren’t on the love marriage baby thing before you practice your bra removal skills.

Option 2: You kind of like her but she doesn’t like you? Meh. In the words of Elsa from Frozen: ‘Let it Go’. No one likes a thirsty guy inboxing them every day just in case we put out.

Cs:

Option 1: She likes you but you’d rather send a sexy snapchat to your homophobic football coach? Mate I feel for you. We’ve all been there at some point. As much as you want to vomit, try and be kind. Don’t leave it ambiguous at all and just say very firmly that you don’t see her that way. No need to add ‘Because you remind me of the hag in Snow White’ though.

Option 2: You both really don’t fancy each other? Great. Go check out that girl on your twitter feed with the great personality and an ample bosom. Be free. If you wanna stay mates with Quasimona please do so. I have some truly repulsive looking friends who mean everything to me.

Written by

24 year old with an awful lot to say about everything. Opinions entirely my own. Usually. madelaine@madelainehanson.co.uk

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