How to leave someone when you keep coming back
Are you the one leaving? Here’s how to hold your nerve
If, like me, you have a tendency to see your needs or feelings a personality flaw in yourself, you’re probably very bad at ending relationships. Instead of recognising that someone isn’t good enough for you, you’ll read the situation as you failing to be tough enough or patient enough to put up with being…miserable.
If you’ve exhausted all attempts to communicate your needs or feelings, and they still are limboing under your low expectations, you need to let go. I know: it’s lonely, hard, and heartbreaking to think about losing all those hopes and dreams and all those conversations and in jokes. It’s the worst thing in the world to acknowledge someone no longer wants you. But you know you’re still going to be miserable in a week. A month. A year. Two years. Walk.
Let’s get one thing straight: trust your gut. You’re thinking about it. This is your decision. That means you are unhappy. You are unfulfilled and your needs are not being met. Maybe it’s massive (he skipped seeing you on your birthday, couldn’t be bothered to see you after your grandmother died, and tried to sleep with your best friend while you were out of the country) or maybe it’s minor (he isn’t romantic to you anymore) but if it really isn’t working for you, don’t expect it to get better.
This isn’t your fault: you’re incompatible. The relationship didn’t work because you had different needs, empathy levels, and goals. You’re not bad for not being able to put up with it.
So now we’ve got that out of the way, here’s how to stick with a break up decision when you are easily swayed by loneliness, guilt, anxiety, or grief.
- Unfollow them on absolutely everything.
Mute their name. Unfollow them on every platform. Block them on Whatsapp, SMS and Instagram. If you aren’t seeing them or hearing them, you aren’t going to think about them half as much after a few months. I know you’re thinking ‘but what if they’ve messaged me’ and feel the need to unblock them. Don’t. You’ll be tempted to text. Hold your guns.
2. Clearly define to them what you want on a break or break up.
Do you want a month apart? Two? Three? How long will it take you to have some distance from the situation? Do you want to not talk for a year or two? Do you want to break up for good? Make it absolutely clear that you expect and will follow a new agreement. You deserve boundaries. It’ll be easier to leave after a break, so ease yourself into it with a month apart as a soft launch if you’re really struggling to imagine life without them.
3. Remember you aren’t doomed to be alone.
You know what’s worse than no partner? A bad partner who makes you cry all the time and lets you down. A partner who stops you meeting someone who treats you well. A partner who isn’t loving or kind to you anymore. A partner who betrays you. You aren’t going to be alone: you’re going to heal and meet someone else, with new knowledge about what you need and expect.
4. Don’t kid yourself with ‘casual’.
You know that having sex with them means one thing: everything they want from you without requirements, dignity, or expectations. You’ll feel degraded and miserable. They aren’t going to hold you and say they care about you afterwards: seek that closeness and warmth elsewhere now.
5. Hold your nerve by writing down why you’re doing it.
Write down every thing he did that really hurt you. Everything. Let yourself cry, let yourself feel hurt. That’s why you’re leaving. That’s why you aren’t coming back. You don’t want to put your hand in a wolf’s mouth when you’ve already got the teeth marks on your hand.
To conclude; know why you’re doing it. And keep busy: see your friends, work hard, make other plans. Day by day, every day you don’t talk, you will slowly see him slip away from you. And that’s good: remember, that’s good.
Because you won’t get the man you fell for back when he’s turned out to be someone who doesn’t care about hurting you.
