Females. Weird creatures, am I right? Always looking at you with confusion when you performing your ritual mating dance on the tube. Some even act scared when you start boasting about the impressive ratio of your phallus in relation to your body. All these mixed signals, such as running away and screaming stay the fuck away from me can be confusing. So how on earth are you supposed to find a gene vehicle with such a strange and peculiar set of rules?
Here is my advice on how to interact with a female human with the intent of mating with her and potentially continuing your gene code for another generation.
- Invest in a shower or bathing device.
No. Not Lynx Africa. That is not a cleansing ritual. It does not improve your bodily aroma beyond adding chemical cinnamon to your overpowering BO. Even if she is aromatically impaired, the female you are with can see the sweat in your armpits and it does absolutely nothing for your sex appeal.
2. Try using human language as opposed to the porn dialogue you saw last night.
Curiously, women tend to respond better to men who treat them like human beings. Studies suggest that genuinely enquiring over someone’s interests and opinions is far more likely to spark interest than asking her what she’d wear to a Star Wars themed orgy. The more you know.
3. Attempt to listen to the female, and read her body language.
Bizarre again, but women have their own minds inside their pretty little faces. When she is speaking, she is also reading your face, so staring at her breasts or yawning might not go down well. Try, if you can, to observe what she is saying and how you can respond. Similarly, if she is looking extremely nervous and backing away, it might be time to say ‘ Am I making you uncomfortable?’ instead of ‘Fancy a quick one in HR?’
4. Desexualise your flirting if you don’t know her well enough to bridge that bridge.
Females tend to find language like ‘your nipples look great’ or ‘ I bet you look great up that skirt’ more creepy than sexy when used by men they haven’t been sleeping with for a few weeks. Instead say ‘I love your dress’ or ‘you have beautiful eyes’. Try to make it look less like you have been thinking about your penis for the last three hours.
5. No woman has ever, ever, fallen in love with a bloke shouting at her.
Amazingly, shrieking about how big a woman’s knockers are across Finsbury Park can come across as humiliating and embarrassing, as opposed to an utterance of profound love. If you think a woman is absolutely stunning and just HAVE to tell her, observe whether she is busy or occupied, and quietly comment that you think so. Don’t stand in her way or demand her contact details. She’s not on display for you to pick and mix.
6. Don’t touch her. No. Don’t. Stop.
The minute you grab a strange woman’s arm, thigh, ass or shoulder, she’s silently freaking out. If you try and stop her from moving with one of the above, or are just feeling her up, then she’s not enjoying it. General rule of thumb: If you have to physically restrain a woman in order to speak to you, she’s not game. When can you touch her? When she knows you pretty well and you have elevated to mutually flirtatious or romantic behaviour. But even then. Read ze signals.
7. This isn’t WWII. She doesn’t owe you sex for chocolate or new tights.
Even if you bought her a three course meal, flowers, tickets to a show, and then carried her back to Kensington, she doesn’t owe you shit. If she doesn’t think you are sexy or at least nice, then that’s her business and you can’t buy your way out of it. Don’t do stuff and expect a receipt for sex or sexy activity. Most women find being treated like a sex worker on tab pretty nasty. Ends badly.
8. If she says ‘sorry I’m not interested’ DESIST.
Desist. Stop. Remove yourself. Don’t burst into tears, don’t hit her, don’t write a poem about what a slag she is, don’t stalk her on social media and tell everyone she has HIV. Say ‘okay’ and move on. AT ONCE.
9. Understand that she’s not a bitch for not liking you.
Picture a nice blind date. You look pretty smooth, and you’ve heard the girl you are seeing is funny, sweet and has a GREAT personality. Woohoo. Ready for action. Then she walks in. And she’s literally Quasimona. She drools lard all over the table, wipes her nose on your tie, and pulls lice out of her hair. It ain’t sexy. You politely decline, even though she was very well informed on current affairs in the Catholic Church. Are you a bitch? No? Then maybe she just doesn’t like you either. It’s chill.
10. Accept that a female might actually be able to exist in your life without shagging you.
Okay, Quasimona isn’t really your dream girl. The idea of getting sexual with her makes you want to vom. But hey, she is nice. And she is funny. And she has a GREAT personality and can bellring for France. So maybe stay in touch. You might be great friends. Crazy I know.
Similarly, if Esmeralda from Psychology Dep isn’t really into you, that’s chill. If you still get on, and can hold a decent discussion on how much of a fuckboy Phoebus is, then maybe it’s time to stop clammering to get into her pantaloons and book a nice coffee in Waterstones.
Women are friends. Not food.