If atheism is real, why do cats exist?

This is satire on how some western atheists discuss theology. If you take it seriously you are a wombat.

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“Yom Kippur was actually okay this year!” I bellow over the announcements, dodging a rogue tourist. My friend looks confused.

“What’s Yom Kipper?”

“Christians!” I joke. “So enlightened on their neighbours.” She laughs.

“I’m an atheist, actually.”

“A what?”

“Um. I don’t believe in God.”

“Yeah, I know what an atheist is. I just thought you were more educated than that.”

“What?”

“Well I thought seeing as you’ve been brought up in a faith-following country and had the opportunity to read the Bible or whatever obviously you’d know God definitely existed.”

“I just don’t believe he does.”

“Why?” I say, astonished. She looks annoyed.

“I don’t know. I guess disbelief is a personal thing.”

“That’s a stupid answer. Get out clause much.”

“No, its just my disbelief system is complicated and I don’t want to shout about it on the tube.”

Pause. I can’t resist.

“If there isn’t a God, why are there cats?”

“Evolution I guess. You’re the one doing genetics.”

“But why would fluffy cute puffs of joy exist? Did natural selection just need to have a fluffy tail and teeny claws?”

“I’m not a natural scientist Mads. Maybe selective breeding, not sure.”

“You mean you don’t know. It’s okay. Most atheists are trained not to question reality.”

“That’s pretty rude-”

“If God doesn’t exist, how do we have a global concept of him?”

“Culture I suppose.”

“How?”

“I really don’t know. Freud said-”

“Freud was a penis obsessed twit. Atheism is stupid.”

“That’s your opinion.”

“Did your parents push atheism on you? Did they make you read The Blind Watchmaker?”

“No. I wasn’t forced into what I think.”

“So do you agree with the guys who shoot up innocent people because they don’t think a God exists? Because they don’t have retribution?”

“That’s nihilism to the extreme, Maddie. It isn’t what I think. Or what most atheists think. You need to stop thinking about non believers as homogenous.”

Long pause.

“So in The God Delusion-

“Maddie!” She explodes. “You can’t read a few dodgy Hitchens or Dawkins quotes and sum up my cosmology or ontology.”

“Touchy. Just can’t take criticism, hey? Would rather we all shut up and just agreed with your disbeliefs?”

“No Maddie. What I believe or do not believe is absolutely none of your concern. You push the arguments to extremes, fail to listen and paint me as an idiot who can’t think for herself. Obviously there are things I can’t explain and mysteries science may never reveal. But who are you to say that I can’t understand reality without God? It is insulting and two dimensional.”

I stare at her. “OK. But if God doesn’t exist, why are there cats?”

Fin

(This is satire. If you need me to explain the joke to you then I offer you my condolences and sarcastic prayers).

Written by

24 year old with an awful lot to say about everything. Opinions entirely my own. Usually. madelaine@madelainehanson.co.uk

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