#IfWeWroteLikeMen: A Chapter of A Male

This is a joke. If you think I legitimately write like this, no.

Fifty Cliches of Dave

Chapter 1 (Happily the only chapter)

Dave sighed as he brushed his dark blonde hair, biting his lower lip. It was so hard to keep focused after his magical evening with Sarah. She was so all-consumingly perfect. Setting down his hairbrush in frustration, he gazed into his azure eyes.

Did she like him? He was so ordinary, so normal. He found himself blushing in the mirror, despite himself. How could he be so silly? It wasn’t like he was a schoolboy. He undressed and stood in front of the mirror, admiring his biceps and toned abs. Giggling to himself, he chose a pair of white Calvin Klein’s and slipped them on.

Just then, his phone vibrated, making him jump. Covering his lips in surprise, he skipped over to his desk. It was John, his best friend from work. “Hi John!” he said brightly, hoping he didn’t sound too in love. John laughed down the other end of the line.

“I take it you had a good night!” He said. “How was she?” Dave blushed crimson.

“Oh, oh it wasn’t like that. She didn’t come back here.” He said, fluttering his eyelashes. “I’m not that easy. Just because I’m the handsomest financial consultant in The Sarah Finance Company, it doesn’t mean I’m a plaything.” John giggled, he strong South African accent sliding down the microphone.

“I would have said yes!” John laughed. “She has a BMW. And she can take care of you.” Dave sighed, moisturising his long legs. His friends always were gold diggers.

“I don’t like Sarah for her money. Besides, she’s married.” His voice sounded sad. “What would an older woman like that ever see in me? I don’t want to be her boytoy for a night!”

“Anyway, what are you wearing to the CEO meeting?” John said, after an awkward silence. Dave blushed again. Gosh. He’d been so swept up in everything he’d forgotten to pick out a suit for the meeting. How silly of him!

He opened the closet and found a new blue suit hanging there. Oh gosh. It must have been from Sarah. How did she get it in? Had she been in his room? The thought excited him. Attached was a note:

HI BABE,

WEAR THIS TO THE MEETING. LAST NIGHT WAS GREAT. DON’T TELL ANYONE I KISSED YOU THOUGH. DON’T WANT TO GET A SEXUAL HARASSMENT SUIT, LOL. SEE IT’S A JOKE, SUIT. ANYWAY I NEED TO GET HOME TO MY HUSBAND AND KIDS. THEY MEAN NOTHING TO ME.

KTHXBYE

SARAH

P.S: YOU LOOK HOT AF

Dave fainted.

SEE HOW FUCKING DEMEANING IT IS STOP WRITING 2D FEMALE CHARACTERS LIKE THIS

Written by

24 year old with an awful lot to say about everything. Opinions entirely my own. Usually. madelaine@madelainehanson.co.uk

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