I’m a what sexual?
“Mummy,” I said, tears streaming down my fourteen year old face, “I think I’m bisexual.” My mother looked at me and rolled her eyes. “It’s a phase, Madelaine.”
In her defence, it was 201o and being gay at all was still kind of weird. And I can understand her logic. Hormones are crazy. I’m pretty sure most teens question their sexuality when your estrogen is trying to hack your brain. My cool younger Tumblr sister was far more accepting, as was my trendy older sister. (She’d actually placed a bet on me being a lesbian).
So at 14, after kissing girls and fancying them since being a toddler in a disney tiara, I had magically worked out that feeling attracted to girls was a bit…gay.
Ever since, I’ve called myself a bisexual. I get a lot of shit for not calling myself about 4 other sexualities which I ‘am ACTUALLY’ but bisexual means what I am. I like boys and girls. If I ever fancy someone who calls themselves something else (which I probably will) I’ll still call myself bisexual because that is what I identified as at 14 when it was still something scary to say.
Apparently, I’m not a bisexual, according to the + community. I’m a PAN sexual, a DEMI sexual, a FEMME sexual and a SAPIO sexual. Or just one of those. I find this kind of annoying and confusing. All these groups seem to want me to admit to being in their tribe. I find this a bit silly because I’m clearly in more than one catergory. I doubt anyone really belongs to just one. Sexuality is so personal, fluid, changing and unique that I don’t think I really need to label absolutely everything I find sexy as my identity. If you want to, go ahead, but it just doesn’t work for me.
Why? Because what I am attracted to in one person is often not at all attractive in someone else. Am I attracted to very feminine men? Yes, often that is pretty attractive. Am I attracted to a very (stereotypically feminine, sorry to femme shame) bitchy, vain and aesthetic centric men? Not at all. Am I attracted to very clever people? Yes, absolutely. Would I find someone who wasn’t particularly smart unattractive? Nope. Am I very attracted to interesting personalities? Yes. Am I attracted to people who I find visually repugnant? Sorry, no. Well sometimes. But still.
Do you get what I am saying? My sexuality is fucking complicated, varying and weird. I love people, not types. I don’t keep a checklist in my pocket of whether someone has this type of genital, aesthetic or emotional quality. If I look back at my exes, the only thing they really have in common is being human. My heart (and lust) just doesn’t really care.
So maybe I should call myself pan, demi or femme or whatever. But I don’t really see the point. It just doesn’t really bother me. If it helps you self identify, great, all power to you, but I just find it confusing and devisive for people outside the LGBTQ+ community when really all I need to say is:
I like a mix of people.
And bi does that very nicely for me, thank you. So wave your flags, be proud of whatever you are, but just sometimes accept that not all LGBTQ+ people fit neatly under a few labels. The human heart is weird, complicated and diverse. You love who you love. Full respect to whatever you are, but let’s chill a bit about what other people identify as.
Let the H8rs H8, as I scrawled on my year 8 locker.