“I’m deeply in love with a man who won’t ever love me. What should I do?” Madelaine Answers
I’m crazy about a man I’ve known for years and it kills me that he doesn’t feel the same way. I thought I’d moved on, but he got in touch platonically over Christmas and I’m horrified by how deeply I still feel about him. I won’t go full bunny boiler on him, but I’m scared I won’t feel this way about anyone else again. I have no chance: honestly he thinks I’m a freak. I feel so ugly and worthless. Please help.”
That sounds heartbreaking and I’m so sorry you feel so lost. Unrequited love happens to us all, either as someone who doesn’t love someone back, or, more painfully, as someone who isn’t loved back. This has clearly affected your self esteem, but I have some important advice: your worth is not dependent on how a person feels about you.
Do you remember how at school kids could call you all kinds of terrible things? I certainly went through that stage: ugly, freak, stupid, Mandelaine (I was very muscular). However gross my classmates thought I was, I’m still okay now. Because none of what they thought actually changed who I was.
Just as what Mike in Year 9 thought of your hair has no influence on your value, this bloke doesn’t change that either. Opinions and feelings towards you are just that: opinions and feelings. They are not you. They do not define you.
It’s the same with this bloke. You could be Helen of Troy and he could honestly just not feel that into you. You are so much more than what he wants (or doesn’t want) and you simply cannot let that define your self esteem. Uptalk yourself: what did you do well today? What have you got to look forward to? What makes you feel good?
It’s actually pretty rare to be able to finitely say why you don’t have feelings for someone. I don’t know your history with this guy but I’ll place all my bets on the probability that it’s nothing to do with you being a hideous swamp monster with the personality of Mel Gibson. He probably just doesn’t have that chemistry with you.
Sadly, you can’t do anything about this, really. Don’t get a drastic haircut to win his attentions and definitely don’t get a tattoo of his favourite animal. I know it can feel like the end of the world but you still have a whole load of frogs to get through until you find the right prince for you.
Your feelings are valid and your pain is valid, but remember: you are still the same confident, sexy woman you were before he came back into your life. You will be again.
Tell him to back off a bit if you need it. There’s nothing wrong with self care. Just remember, above everything else:
His feelings for you do not define you.