Men need to understand that it is not “1 in a 1000 men”: more like 1 in 4
How many “bad men” are there?
A lot of men seem to view rape or molestation as a sad, unfortunate, unlikely occurrence that happens to maybe 1/1,000 women, tops. Obviously very bad, but extremely unlikely. Ah well, they sigh to each other. Sadly bad men will always exist, abstractly, far away from you, in another place. But why do women harp on about it so much? Don’t we understand that you’re a good guy and it offends you to see us so suspicious and hesitant? You don’t know any rapists or abusers. Bitches be crazy! You’d never rape, harass, or molest me. Would you! Would you? Well; would you?
The French Rape Case That Changed Everything
How many men, would you hypothetically say, would be prepared to rape me tonight? Just in say, a small town. 10km radius. If they got a call from a man saying I was unconscious, drugged so they’d never face charges, how many would be prepared to rape me? How many of your friends? Your colleagues? You? How many of you would call the police or just report to me what had happened when I regained consciousness? Would you? Surely you would. You’re our protectors, aren’t you? You’re looking out for us. You’re keeping us safe. Right? I should feel safe, right? It’s just a tiny number of bad men, right? I should be grateful, right?
How many men would willingly choose to rape me, in that context? Because we don’t know how many men raped Gisele Pelicot. She doesn’t know. The police don’t know. Over fifty men are currently standing trial from that tiny town. That’s just the ones the police were able to identify from the footage her abuser – her husband- took of her being mass raped. In a tiny community, hundreds of men were rapists when they thought they could get away with it.
And no: it’s not one bad case, is it?
I’ve been raped. My best friend has been raped. My ex girlfriend was raped. Everyone knows a woman who was raped, groped, or molested. It isn’t one bad man doing awful things to every single woman he encounters for 86 years. It is a fucking lot of you. It is a huge number of you. It is a massive, massive number of you. The maths isn’t matching the real world data. Statistically, if 90% women are being assaulted, raped, or molested, primarily by a partner or boyfriend, it has to be at least around 20–25% of you.
If we are honest, brutally honest, the only reason we don’t take rape or harassment seriously is because of how many of you are rapists.
If we locked up every single man who had forced himself on his dry, sore wife, shoved himself into his sleeping, unconscious, girlfriend, every man who had ignored “slow down” or a woman freezing up in silence underneath him, every man who had insisted on “just letting him finish”; we’d be imprisoning most men. Most men would be in jail. The prison population would balloon if we seriously handed down 18 months in prison to every drunk man who had fondled a frightened intern at the office party, every creepy loser who had tried to sext a 15 year old on snapchat, every “accidental” cupping of our breasts or our ass on the escalator, every alarming lurch to grope or kiss us on the night bus after too much booze. Not scores of men. Millions. Millions and millions of men.
We can’t seriously criminalise sexual abuse because at least 25% of you are sex offenders.
The Bad Things You Have Done
Sure, I don’t think you’ve followed a virgin down a dark alley way and held her to the floor while she kicked and screamed. I don’t think your friends have done that, either. But on balance? You or a man you know and like has probably done some dark, fucked up stuff to women. Stuff we quietly warn each other about in private, when you can’t fly into a rage at being outed as a sex offender.
Let’s go through some of it, shall we? Tally them up as we go.
- I think you, or your close male friend, has deliberately got a woman drunk so you could have sex with her.
- I think you’ve seen a drunk or high woman and offered to “help” her back to your place, thinking she’s so drunk and disoriented that she’ll be easy to pressure into have sex with you.
- I think you’ve taken a woman back to your apartment or flat when she’s so intoxicated she can’t even walk on her own, let alone consent.
- I think you’ve ignored the position of power you have had over a woman you were sexually aroused by (her teacher, landlord, mentor, guardian, doctor, carer, client) because it is convenient for you to overlook the fact she can’t really say no.
- I think you have used the fact the last train has gone, an Uber is too expensive, or it is dark or cold, to pressure a woman into staying and sex with you when she clearly didn’t want to.
- I think you’ve showed private explicit videos or images of your partner or ex to your male friends without her consent.
- I think you’ve opened and watched sexual videos and images of a friend’s partner knowing she didn’t consent to you seeing them.
- I think you’ve joked about raping or harming a woman with your mates in the WhatsApp group or at a game.
- I think you’ve looked the other way when your 40 year old best friend got a girlfriend with a fake ID or clearly underage.
- I think you have stroked and pawed at a woman to try and “convince” her to have sex with you after she’s said no, froze up, or seemed uncomfortable.
- I think you’ve used the fact you’ve paid for dinner or a drink to pressure her into non-consensual sex.
- I think you’ve used the fact you pay the rent or grocery bills to rape your partner when she doesn’t want to fuck you.
- I think you’ve woken up hard and rolled over on top of your sleeping girlfriend and forced yourself into her, even after she woke up and tried to push you off, saying it hurt.
- I think you’ve insisted on sex without foreplay from your wife, even when she’s told you she is uncomfortable and it is unpleasant for her when she isn’t aroused.
- I think you’ve raped your wife when she had been exhausted with a newborn baby and she’s lain underneath you, rigid, while you masturbate into her, not caring at all about her experience.
- I think you’ve masturbated to underage girls and female trafficking, rape, and murder victims on the news.
- I think you’ve dismissed accusations that your friend is a sexual predator or a rapist because that would mean you were probably one too.
- I think you’ve called a woman a liar for speaking out about her sexual abuse for no other reason than she’s a woman, and thinking about your own behaviour is a bridge too far.
Hell, only you know what you do. You know exactly what you’ve done, how depraved you are. You know exactly what keeps you up at night. But it’s a lot of you, isn’t it?
Isn’t it?
Am I wrong? How much of this is wrong?
Don’t imagine for one minute we don’t see the darkness in you. That’s what we are repulsed by: you reek of what you’ve done. How you see us. What you excuse in your own behaviour.
No, I don’t hate men.
I trust my man friends with my life. I know I could drink a bottle of Benadryl in my lingerie and wake up unharmed by them.
But it isn’t 1 in 1000 of all men that I need to worry about.
It’s a lot of you.
It’s an awful, awful lot.
It’s at least 1/4.
And the world would be a better place if you examined how you and your friends treat women.
