Misfortune 500: COVID-19 threatening the job security of ‘countless’ villains
Very little consideration from UK government on how those in the chaos and evil industry might be affected, reports Misfortune 500 CEO Michael Gove
As we all rush to stock up on medicine and food in what is quickly becoming the most publicized virus of all time, many in the evil industry have failed to grasp the extent to which COVID-19 might negatively influence their importance in the market.
Darth Vader, 51, was quick to show us around his deserted Death Star in the wake of the outbreak. “I’ve got almost no one here,” he complained. “At first we just thought, hey, better safe than sorry, but now people are just taking the piss. Tony from accounting has been sharing water-skiing pictures on Facebook. He’s totally not sick. I’d vaporize them but I’m not sure how that would look to HR.”
But the problems do not stop there. Stormtrooper Mike Haddon, 38, said that the COVID-19 virus had really undermined his satisfaction in his work. “I’ve just really seen the extent of how much a little virus can disrupt the universe in the last month,” he told us, while supervising his kids, Malice, 6, and Violence, 4. “It’s like, what’s the point of me then, you know? If a virus can do all this why should I even bother destroying society as we know it?”
Mike’s wife, the KKK’s UK PR manager Claire, agrees. “It’s really undermined Mike’s confidence. He used to stormtroop with the best of them, but now he’s just watching a virus enter the market, he’s sort of irrelevant. I’ve got a similar issue myself: I mean, the KKK is really bad, but we can’t compete with COVID-19 on the fear factor right now.”
As many as 29m of those working in and around evil have been facing similar problems from new and disruptive influences like COVID-19 in their industry. Misfortune 500 director, Michael Gove, met us to discuss the challenges in the sector.
“It’s definitely a problem,” Gove stated, flicking through the latest report. “Incompetent governments, impossibly unhelpful customer service and mild colds are all seriously influencing self esteem among the top villains of today. The amount of evil and disruption that say, Karen from Ryanair can do in an hour is really challenging big villains like Maleficent at the heart of what they do best.”
Gove is also concerned by the lack of support from recent governments to compete against new market vectors in malicious intent. “We definitely need more of a subsidy, yes,” he agreed. “We need to make sure that we have access to the latest forms of mild inconvenience and annoyance, such as training our staff to be particularly unhelpful, and developing not deadly but definitely frustrating illnesses.”
UK Government official Priti Patel said she ‘vehemently disagreed’ with the suggestion that the authorities were not fully behind and invested in evil and chaos across the United Kingdom. “I fundamentally disagree with Michael, I’m afraid,” she said outside her offices in the inner circles of hell. “I personally bully my staff regularly and I can point you to widespread ineffectiveness, laziness and corruption across not just big government, but the civil service and local councils.
“We have a limited budget here: we can’t just throw money at a problem. We’re doing what we can. After Brexit, we’re hoping to free up legislation on trade and food laws, which will give a lot more room for British villains to succeed.”
The UK is set to discuss the new legal status of selling orphans to chimney sweep firms having thrown aside EU regulations next month.