Suddenly Single: why does the end of a relationship hurt so much?

There’s a weird emptiness that bites in the silences

My relationship just ended. And I’m not okay

I’ve had a pretty horrible week. I’ve had bad weather, anxiety attacks, various strikes, falling out with friends and, most cuttingly, the end of my relationship. We’ve broken up before, but I guess it hasn’t been this desired by my ex before.

I could burst into tears over it, beg them to come back, but I doubt that would work. I awkwardly muted them after it was raised and that’s sort of been the end of it. We’d been edging closer to it for a while, growing more and more tired of the resentment we felt towards each other. Its emotionally draining to hate someone, but its emotionally exhausting to love someone you are incompatible with.

These things happen. I’m young (22!) and I guess it is silly to expect ‘the one' at my age. My relationship ended for lots of reasons, mostly based around personality differences and different weightings of importance. I don’t think they are horrible. In a way its a good thing. We won’t be able to hurt each other anymore.

As a survival mechanism, my brain immediately went to the pragmatic. How would I get my things? What about my medication there? How do I untangle myself from mutual friends or fields? And how the hell do I tell my parents that Mr Perfect doesn’t want to be with me anymore?

Then came the tears, or as he’d say, the ‘waterworks’. I got angry at myself for feeling so strongly about something that he would be shrugging off so easily. We were startlingly different: Pragmatic/Idealistic. Logical/Creative. Emotional/Controlled. Mr Robot and Ms Hysterical.

So it sucks. I don’t know what to do with myself other than plunge into the rest of my degree, my friends and ultimately heal enough to try again. But I’m glad I’m not in denial over it.

First step of a new marathon.