Member-only story
The haircut conspiracy causing 99% male loneliness: beware your barber
How your hairdresser is conspiring to ruin your sex life
People often forget that men compete with each other for female attention, as much as women compete with each other. This might mean getting a nice suit, trying to get into shape, or buying a nice house. Tragically, for thousands of men, they are cruelly sabotaged by their own brotherhood, resulting in them being sad single virgins forever and never finding love. Barbers across the world have worked out that by giving men this hilarious, stupid haircut, they can increase the number of women available to them by reducing the competition. Don’t worry: I’m here to raise awareness and end this evil practice.
Barbers, typically, cannot compete with highly desirable men. They aren’t usually billionaires, they aren’t usually male models, and they aren’t usually doctorate holders. So they have to find other ways of eliminating the competition, by making other men look as silly as possible. Throughout history, this has included the mullet, the bowl cut, and the frosted tips: and now, it is the top tuft (they’ve branded it as short back and sides, so their victims don’t cotton on). After spending hours and hours working out how to cut this without bursting out laughing, and practicing saying “wow, looks so good, bro”…
