When to leave him: the five red flags

Not sure? On the fence? I’ve got you covered

If you’re reading this, chances are that you’re having doubts. Which is fine. More than fine: it shows that you have a healthy concept of your own happiness and the ability to reflect on what is good, or harmful to you. It’s important to remember that things don’t need to be ‘really bad’ for you to leave: just because someone isn’t abusive, it doesn’t mean that the relationship is healthy. I’m going to use masculine pronouns to save time, but obviously, this applies across the board.

1. He doesn’t feel the same way about you

Take a hint, darlings. If he avoids discussing his feelings for you or engaging with any emotional aspect of the relationship, chances are he just doesn’t like you that much. Which is fine: sometimes, you just don’t connect with someone. Sometimes, it’s just a bit of fun or a fling when you’re lonely, and that’s valid. But if you don’t feel that same level of attachment, you’re going to get hurt. You’re better off leaving now than blaming yourself for not being ‘worthy’ of his attention or interest. It’s hard, but you can’t make someone fall for you: and it’s not going to get better by trying to force it!

2. You want very different things

This is probably the biggest one. Yes: you can compromise and a good relationship is built off dialogue. But if he doesn’t want to see you regularly, and that’s something you need emotionally, he doesn’t want monogamy, or if he doesn’t want to marry or have kids, you need to seriously consider whether those sacrifices are going to work for you. You can’t bury your deepest needs and triggers and pretend you’re doing okay. You will just be unhappy. Leave before you get in too deep with someone who can’t satisfy you.

3. He’s in love with someone else

A bit of an obvious one, but a lot of women (and men!) think if they hang around long enough, the feelings their partner has for an ex will dissipate. Trust me: you’ll just hurt yourself in the process. It can be tempting to stay and help someone through grief and heartbreak, but this won’t make them love you. You can’t just hope those feelings go. You can’t just hope they’ll choose you when push comes to shove. Unless you’re okay constantly wondering if you’re about to lose them, having to hear that person’s name over and over, or having to discuss their love for someone else, I’d say get out of there and wait for them to overcome the heartbreak.

4. He sees you as an option, not a priority

If a man treats you like losing you doesn’t matter, don’t be surprised when you find out you don’t matter. If he cancels on you at a whim, won’t put you first, never calls or makes plans with you, or you just find you’re the one constantly having to chase him or text first, you are going to be so miserable. Bottom line? He doesn’t respect you or see you as a serious long term partner. Leave before the feelings set in for a man who doesn’t care. Believe me: there’s a man out there who will love you and treat you the way you deserve. You don’t need to settle out of insecurity.

5. He makes you unhappy

Ultimately: if you’re just unhappy, go. If he regularly makes you feel miserable, insecure, unimportant, replaceable, or lonely, that’s not going to change after a conversation. Sure, it’s not always his fault: maybe he has a high pressure job, maybe he’s got kids, maybe he’s just not a very emotional person. But if you’re routinely unhappy, you’re incompatible. You need someone who wants you and has similar goals and a level of attachment.

Conclusion

So what to do? If you’ve read this and thought, ‘Yep, this sums it all up!’ then great. I’ll meet you to sob over ice cream. If you’re still on the fence, sit him down and have a conversation about what’s not working. But: don’t stay because you’re scared of being alone. Alone is a state you need to be in to find someone who really wants you, really cares about you, and really wants to make you happy. Alone is a place to grow and find what you need. You haven’t failed by ending something that wasn’t working.

Would you want to be in a miserable relationship for twenty years, or six months? Get out before it takes up anymore of your time, darling. You’re worth so much more than crying into your pillow over the wrong guy.