Why I’m not totally sold on the “science” of attachment theory

What if they just don’t like you that much?

I lost interest in someone recently. Nothing earth-shattering happened; no big betrayal, no tragic realisation, no third party, no heartbreak. I just realised I didn’t fancy someone and stopped making plans to see them. No big deal. My friend was appalled. “Mads,” she said, in a tone that sounded like I’d just announced that I’d banged Boris Johnson without a condom, “do you think you’re a dismissive avoidant?” I could have rolled my eyes so far back that I could have seen my own brain.

Because, the week before that, I had been told I was “anxiously attached” while flippantly commenting about how slowly he typed every word (not kidding, it took this guy 130 seconds to send me that’s fine see you then)”. The week before that, I had “disordered attachment” because I wasn’t sure about whether I still liked him after the latest date. “What if,” I had snapped back, “I’m just not that into him, or that desperate for it to work?”

He’s probably not avoidant, he just has a job and other responsibilities

I mean, isn’t that possible? Instead of us hurling ‘anxious’ and ‘avoidant’ at each other? Can’t someone just not feel particularly strongly about you, early on in the dating process? Isn’t that healthier? Isn’t that just basic logic? Of course I’m going to be ‘avoidant’ about my strongest…